To be completely and utterly honest I forgot I even had this journal.
I just got returned from a nice cool walk around Ferndale and decided to check my account before bed when I saw the little Blogger sign and remembered I had written on here a while back.
It was weird to read ya know?
the two journal entries I had put in here. It was me writing, but I remember feeling un-inspired, tired, drained, confused, and a little bit angry. To be quite honest I felt just un-comfortable in my own skin. Mostly faking any real sort of excitement or insight. Living through some sort of motion. I think it got to a point where some of those days I felt as if I had to apologize just for getting out of bed in the morning. That my voice was really weak and unimportant. I was sick of feeling that way, but yet wasn’t really quite sure how not to be there.
I’ve been out of my jvc experience for two months as of today. And honestly there is a part of me that feels a sigh of relief. It was challenging, intense, insightful, and full of growth but it was also probably a year where, especially in the last six months I just didn’t really know what all else I could give. If ever you hear working with the poor and mentally ill is a challenge. Believe them.
There are real rewards to this line of work. But o’ the sailing is rocky.
Well I really don’t want to make this a drawn out thing…… With some beginning of
“ I was sad!”
then
“ I found people who believed in me!”
“ now I’m happy!”
Almost as if I’m concisely writing as if I was un-concisely getting to an (already) pre-determined destination.
It’s not like that
I had the ending first in my head before all of the boo-hoo above came out. ( that really.. I’m not sure where that came from)
I think this is the most clear minded I’ve been in months ( if not a year). I’m in tune and open to my …. I really don’t want to say voice. Because that phrase is just so unclear and vast with meaning, that the true idea is somewhat lost…
But this is the first time in so long that I’m finally out of head
and in life.
Every day for the past few weeks I’ve been shedding this weird inferior complex I’d somewhat built over the past year and finally finding confidence in my own beliefs.
Tomorrow I’m getting a chance to speak with a reporter from Provoke Radio, a Catholic social justice radio journal who is doing a special 30 minute piece on our little humble abode.
If asked, I think I’m going to tell them social justice isn’t that expansive.
To me it shouldn’t necessarily have these weights that all too often get appointed to it, “oppression” “ struggle” or any other imagery that might weigh it into a pigeon hole . These are all fair and good, but not necessarily the conclusion to be jumped to.
To me, social justice is an opportunity to open your mouth. Speak of the human experience. Using the gifts we’ve been given to poetically ( however you define ) state this.
This… ( I’m sorry to say.. I might have given this word ‘this’ to strong a definition. it might not be able to contain.)
For if we’re not able to fully listen and confidently express in our way this joyous mystery ( for all of its glory that is what it truly is) then we’re not giving life justice.
Alright I’m off to bed.
